Purpose

A meaningful structure that is gonna take me towards what I want. And THAT is what gives me purpose. That's what I'm thinking about right now. (and the fact that we have 2/3 of a room of limestone laid already)

Happiness Test

I just watched an Oprah show and it was great to see on this particular day. She was speaking with a professor about happiness. I heard a lot of good stuff that was really comforting to me. In my blog here, I have complained a lot but it doesn't mean I'm miserable. The professor was interesting because he said that happiness is a state of mind that's not dependent on your circumstances. I know that - but didn't really believe it (for me).
I've been aware of this weird reality about me for my entire life and that is that I've always been filled with joy. Always. There are people and situations that bring it out even more than usual but at the base of it all, there has always been joy in my life.
I wish I'd realized that sooner (though I've realized and forgotten that several times in my life).
There's also been great sadness in my life and there have been times that I was really depressed. (at 9 yrs. old, 19 yrs. old and around 34 & maybe 42) One time I even took Prozac for 6 weeks thinking I could just escape for a while but it only made me unable to make a decision - didn't really help much - and I detested the thought of my living a duplicitous life. (I'd rather be an obvious jerk than be a big fake). Yeah, so no drugs for me. (no I don't think all Prozac takers are jerks - but I didn't need it, that's all)
Now, at 47, I know myself. I know whether I'm happy or not (though I feel a lot of angst when I'm not). I know I'm like most folks in many ways and I know that the ups and downs I have in life are pretty normal. I know I'm really grateful every day for the people in my life, the beautiful home I have (almost) and the joy that I just naturally got - for free.
Every morning I wake up and pray and just say thank you for all the people I love. Then I pray for the things we all need... then I stretch my foot (cause I know it's gonna hurt when I step on it), then I get up and forget all about everything wonderful until the next morning when I wake up. Yikes. God must just shake his head when he hears me.
So... I took this happiness test - and I passed though not with flying colors. Here it is below.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
How satisfied are you? (scale) (from Oprah.com)
1 = Not at all true
4 = Moderately True
7 = Absolutely True

In most ways, my life is close to ideal. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 (no, but it's getting there - actually, I don't like the label 'Ideal')
The conditions of my life are excellent. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 (more excellent conditions than not excellent conditions)
I am satisfied with my life. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 ( I'm not living up to my potential - the other stuff is good, but that one deficit is a biggie)
So far I have gotten the important things I want in life. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 (absolutely I have gotten the most important things. Now what I want is me. (OMG! was that a Freudian slip? did I just say that I'm not important? yikes!)
If I could live my life over, I would change almost nothing. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 (would I change things? would I not go through those terrible things in my teenage years? would I realize that I am a singer at a young age and study voice and have a serious career in it? would I decide to accept myself as I am and never think about extra weight?) Well - only a geenie could grant all that. I learned a lot from those awful experiences (that made me who I am) should I not use them now to help someone else make better choices? or put it in my OWS - taking away the power it has had over me and teaching in the process. . . .)

Your total score: 23

If you scored 15 or under, you are dissatisfied with your life.
If you scored 31 or higher, you are extremely satisfied with your life.

If you scored somewhere in the middle, happiness expert Dr. Robert Holden has some advice on how to live a more satisfying life. Dr. Holden says the key to being happy is overcoming "destination addiction," which he defines as "living in the not-now." "It's always about tomorrow, so you're chasing 'more,' 'next' and 'there,'" he says. "You promise yourself that when you get there, you'll be happy. And I promise you, you won't, because you'll always set another destination to go for." OMG! does he know me? I've lived my ENTIRE life this way. Instead, Dr. Holden says if you are unhappy with your life or looking to improve your score, there are two things you can do. "We have to learn to let go of our past, we have to give up all hopes for a perfect past. I think I've done that. Let the past go, it's gone." After that, he says, "Take a vow of kindness. Be kinder to yourself and to others. Yep, that's where I go wrong. the inner critic gets me when I'm not paying attention or when I'm really tired."It's never too late to be happy," he says.

Here's a goodie - every single time I sneeze at my desk, Zoe always comes up to me and nudges me with her nose - then goes back to her bed. Awww..w..w.w.w.w.
AND the coolest thing happened to the wart on my finger (that made me think I was evolving into a witch). One day I looked at it and started fiddling with it - the black part of the center which I think is a 'seed'. Well, I noticed that the seed was protruding - then I tugged on it and OMG it was A SPLINTER that had been in my finger for 3 weeks and my poor, abused finger had become inflamed around it trying to make it come out and that swollen, inflamed little 'finger volcano' was a splinter! It has disappeared now and my finger is gorgeous again. (Thank God - that was my favorite finger).

Do we Care?

• The water fountain lighting at the main entrance will be a little different from what the sketch and run artist planned. We, reluctant project managers - don't care.


• The surround sound speakers will be in a good place but not as ideal as we'd originally thought because of the odd shape of the ceiling. We don't care.


• The carpet in our bedroom should be replaced where they've taken out a large cabinet to put in a new smaller built in one. That's too much trouble and we're not willing to move our HUGE bed out of there to replace it. We don't care and will use the closet carpet for that area.


• We have taken the tub out of Bonnie's bathroom and are replacing it cause it leaked. She's 19 now and the 'Goofy' tiles don't really suit her anymore. We were going to replace them but have recently decided that it can wait... we sensitively don't care.
• There are others. . . . . .

I think this is how we can deal with this. We feel better not treating every single thing as if it is an emergency. Amen.

(in the meantime, the fountain frogs await their new home)

Denial and friends

Today was a hard day. I lived it traumatically all day - did all my bad tricks. Felt overwhelmed, stupid, like I can't do this right. I felt angry and rushed and not taken seriously. (and that was just me) The worst part of it was that all day I told myself if I were a better person - I would not feel these things. That's one of my oldest and best well-worn tricks. The day never ends well when I am in that state of mind.
I feel deserted. (do I really want to go there?) I had a friend before who I used to see a lot and she has changed and takes me for granted now. (or I have changed and see it now) She doesn't return phone calls or e-mails and every once in a great while she e-mails and says "Oh my goodness I've been so busy! We must get together - I could come over for a coffee". Then I reply, with Friday's good, or whatever. Then oops, she suddenly had to go to Shanghai (or wherever) but never told me. (Thank God I hadn't made a specific date with her - in truth she never replied to my reply). Yeah, so I won't be replying to her silly insincere e-mails anymore.
Then my family didn't call me at Thanksgiving (and apparently I am keeping score). My little sister sent me a real-live card, then my other sister e-mailed but the oldest one never said anything and I feel bad about it. (evidently that is the one I've decided to focus on - smart move) Well, I feel deserted. She's a good, good person who is probably on the go 24-7. She's a very happy grandmother now. Nobody did anything wrong, (in my family - but my friend is definitely taking me for granted). I just feel alone and all that. I need new friends. (O my GOD I should NOT be listening to harp/Celtic music right now... I am a quivering bowl of self pity!!)
BUT the day got better.
Just as I was getting ready to go out (and buy lighting for the kitchen - Wheeeee!) My friend called and asked if I'd like to go to the Christmas Pantomime with her and have dinner at the Grand Hyatt (where I hear they have alcohol). The show was so hilarious. I laughed from the minute I sat down. Now I'm back home again and can't shake this mood. I'm going to the doctor Friday for a checkup and to check my hormone levels. I feel like I need a break somewhere in all this. (a break from myself).
There are a lot of things going on here but the worst of all of it is that since I was very young I have not allowed my feelings. I've always doubted and negated and all that stuff. making these things unacceptable rather than just feeling them has had a huge impact on me. and I'm feeling it now.

A little break from misery

I went to bed last night kinda stressed. I was worried about how it would turn out today - the workers demolishing the cabinet in our bedroom (to make space for the new smaller one). They were also taking out the antique closet-cabinet (25 years old !) at the top of the stairs that has a lifetime of family pictures in it - some in albums. And they were to take away Bonnie's bathtub to make way for the new 'non-leaking' one.

They did all that + the garage doors and a few other outdoor things. I was afraid that I would be stressed out (but no, that was yesterday when I had to clean out cabinets and drawers - still not finished). Actually, it was exciting to see those spaces freed up for new cabinetry. Cabinetry that WE helped to design. If we didn't have the entire contents of our closet enveloping (not one but) two bedrooms, I'd say let's keep the extra space in our bedroom and live without a closet. Pat and I walked through the house and enjoyed seeing what's going on (not that we don't see it EVERY SINGLE DAY) but somehow, it was better today.

I rehearsed with the group this morning and although I get all stressed about descants and getting fa la la la's correct, the fact is that I have an incredibly good time at rehearsals. Today we laughed til we almost cried. I've felt good all day because of it. (well, that and the fact that Cecilia cleaned up all the mess the workers made and I never even had to see it). We're giving her a big tip when this is over, or before Christmas whichever comes first, and today - her tip grew in leaps and bounds. Thank God for Cecilia.

Trudge....trudge...TrUdGe

Believe it or not, it is very hard to do all this - and the house is all consuming. Today they put a solid ceiling on the outside kitchen and It was a disaster out there with fine dust everywhere (and hello, there were 5 sweaty men in my kitchen standing on my counter tops). It was more complicated with Lady in the way (we parked her in the garage and tied her leash to a table, then had to move her to the garden because we were working in the garage today - sorry Lady). Then (barbershop director) Nancy's e-mailing me about the descant in 'Once in Royal David's city' to learn for our rehearsal tomorrow (like I care about a descant) (how do you spell descant anyway?). If I'd known the renovations would be relentless, exhausting and so frustrating I would've taken the season off from singing. (I am very grateful for the ceiling though - the glass one was really hot and the curtains were stupid)

Okay, everyone has experienced ongoing frustration. Am I the only one who does it so badly? I keep wanting to get a grip and do better. People (including the Interior Designer) tell me I'm doing a spiffy job of all this. Is this what doing a good job looks like? Do people doing good jobs constantly question themselves like I do? I keep thinking that if I'm doing this well then it shouldn't be so hard. So when I'm outside working with the organizing people cleaning out garage closets and then get distracted constantly because of the workers and the dog(s) - then after too much of this I zone out til I have to sit down and figure out the questions I have for the designer before she goes away... and oh yeah, let's organize the ceiling fan so that it doesn't turn in the shadow of the light so it won't have a strobe effect..... and oh, it's Thanksgiving... and I need to learn the descant and photograph the bamboo for the 'sketch & run landscaper'.... and e-mail it. SO IS THAT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE? I think that life is just messy and I don't have an accurate concept of what hard looks like. Just because you want to do something - does that mean that it will all be easy? Good things are just not easy and hard things are harder. Damn the human condition. (and the cowardly Scottish architect who walked out on the project 2 days before it was to start - leaving me with this job that I'm learning as I do it though I had zero interest in it)

I want to do this better. I want it to not matter and me not whine or be negative. I want to shrug my shoulders in an uncaring gesture when we have to choose another light because our perfect one is out of stock. I want to have more peace and not treat every situation as if it is an emergency that needs immediate attention. (though most things need immediate attention)

It's Christmas almost. I'll hold on to that. I love Christmas.

Thanksgiving Day

I have so much to be thankful for - not the least of which is the fact that I don't have to go out and shoot my food and drag it home for dinner. I'm glad I was born in 1960 rather than 1660.

Tonight Pat and I went to Nancy & Ken's house for dinner because our home is a construction site. (Turkey stuffed with dust & gravel, anyone?) The dinner was good and I love Nancy.

Some of the things I'm grateful for today:

1. After 3 years of 'plantar faciitis' - first in right heel for one and a half years, then it hopscotched to the left one for the second round of one and a half year pain, (and it is terrible, knife stabbing, unrelentless pain). It is almost gone. It has limited my life in so many ways for so long and I am stunned that it is going. Some days I hardly have any pain. YAY!

2. My kids are together today in LA. That is one of the biggest blessings - that they are together. (even if they do stay up all night)

3. I have so many close friendships and so many family members that I love.

4. I am getting happier as I get older. (is that normal?)

5. My face is healing. The scratch is so small now. (I was shallow and superficial for nothing)

6. The house renovations are really coming along. It's exciting.

7. The team (of 2) that I've hired from New Order Asia to help me organize my home are so organized. I don't feel overwhelmed at all with them here.

8. The fabulous book by Anne Lamott I'm reading. It's so good, it really does take me away when I am stressed about the constant renovations mess.

9. Uncle Buddy is almost healed and is in good health. My dad, Mom and other older folks are doing okay too. My sisters are all happy and content and are in loving, dedicated marriages and are enjoying close relationships with their kids. (that's cool)

10.Never thought I'd ever say anything like this but I feel like God is a loving entity that cares for me deeply. While growing up, I felt that he was a big angry finger pointing at me from the sky. Glad that's over.

11. There's much, much more.

Scarface

Well.... that'll teach me to be vain.
I have felt good about how I'm looking these days. My hair is a little longer and somehow my face is looking good.... my skin especially. I didn't feel pretty for a long while (though every once in a while I did)
Then things started happening like me being happier with my life and with myself. (I - for one, am enjoying ageing) and I lost a little weight and out popped my cheekbones. (still have a ways to go but hey, cheek bones!). I went to a book launching party last week and I KNEW that I looked my best that night and part of it was me being happy. Then when the host asked to take a picture, I put my arm around my buddy, Marjorie and just smiled really big(ly). The picture was good. So I received that picture from my friend and I liked it. Then I put it in photoshop and cropped Marjorie right out of it. (sorry Marjorie) and it is here on my blog - my profile shot. (ain't it good?)
So..... with that in mind (me looking good), and also the wedding I'm singing at tomorrow where I'm doing a couple of solos... I started playing with my big, fat, goofy Black Lab, Zoe, this evening. As she was trying to 'get' the ball from me, she got very excited and jumped up and her claw came right down on my cheek. It hurt but I continued to play... then after a few minutes I walked to the mirror to make sure it was okay and by golly there was blood everywhere (sort of) and I have a HUGE SCRATCH on my cheek. It looks awful and I am scared that it'll be a big scar. I'm scared.. really. :-( I cleaned it and put antibiotic cream on it and will decide what to do tomorrow.
Aww.w.w.w.w. and I have really been enjoying looking good.

I'm also growing a new wart on my finger. OMG am I turning into a witch?

Another day. . . . . .

I've been working on the renovation stuff all day (while they drilled - though it wasn't terrible drilling, was more like drilling-lite). I'm trying to figure out exactly what needs to be tended to by Raymond (the fraidy-cat architect) and exactly what questions are not answered by our 'sketch and run' landscaper' then put all this together to GET ANSWERS right now. I am a project manager who takes everything WAY too personally! Yikes.

I will be better next week after this silly (let's rehearse EVERYDAY this week ladies) wedding is over on Saturday. I have 2-3 solos..... Big responsibility. I'm wearing navy blue.

My dad's 76 today. All day I've been hearing the Sesame Street song in my head . . . . "I'm 76! I'm 76! I'm 76 years old today! I'm more than one.... I'm more than 2... And so on. I called daddy to say happy birthday and he told me they'd all gone out for dinner and his salad was NOT good. (They hardly had any dressing on it he said, woefully.) aha! so THAT'S where my love of complaining came from!! hang in there daddy, there's a better salad to be had - I just know it.

Self-Pity

It ain't pretty but I'm feeling very sorry for myself right now. We're living upstairs while our home is being redecorated and that is the easiest thing right now.
Here's the lowdown. . .
1. The cowardly architect walked out on the job right before they started digging.
2. The Landscaper from Malaysia is an artist with a great personality. He 'sketches and runs' but when asked serious questions (like 'how big should the pot be in the fountain', he gives cute metaphoric answers. (like 'that one seems too big but hey, it could make a statement') LIKE What statement? OMG I don't want to make a statement I just want to know how big the &*%$#^ pot should be!
3. The designer from Bangkok who is a very hip and down with it gal who really knows her stuff. . . doesn't read my e-mails clearly. AND often her e-mail doesn't work because of the remote place she lives in. I have to do all the work for the things she decides on because I'm the only one here who is reliable (and hey, it is MY house) I have to order the rugs and the lighting and the sofas while checking with her (via e-mail that doesn't always work) about minute STUPID things like the legs on the sofa that I don't give one crap about....
4.The 'hearbeat away from pathetic' new architect who works for our contractor, Raymond, is afraid of his shadow, doesn't have an opinion, says yes to everything to make us happy (THAT ain't working), is devoid of all personality AND opinions and when he gave me the autocad drawings it scared the ever-lovin %^&*# out of me! Now I see from his work that he has NO CLUE what we want. Clueless is awful because we were depending on him.
5. I am VERY tired of having to prepare things that I never cared about before. Limestone, carpet, lighting, door handles, toilets, doors, tiles, OMG I just don't care yet - everything is urgent cause we're living in the house and it needs to be done.
6. This sounds awful but - our 15 year old Golden Retreiver is SO INCREDIBLY ANNOYING with her heart failure, fluid in her lungs, arthritis, occasional incontinence, and geriatric brain disorder. Having to cater to her with all the work going on in the house is so incredibly difficult. (ie, every time the kitchen door opens she tries to escape out the door like a freed convict to see what's on 'the other side') - last time she did that was on a Sunday morning when she fell down into the newly dug 5ft. deep hole in the garden. "No, Lady! STAY!" I screamed, but of course she can't hear (or see) and she's hell bent on escaping the comfort of her warm, cozy kitchen. I had to crawl down into the hole in my dressing gown and carry the fugitive back to the kitchen. She has worn out her welcome as far as I'm concerned.
6. I'm singing in 2 groups. One is the regular quartet I sing in - fun. The other is the temp one just for a wedding which is requiring ALL my time right now as they cram in almost daily rehearsals to make up for all they did NOT do before. It's a ridiculous situation where we are singing 11 songs (me just 7) But OMG is it a wedding or a concert?
7. Okay I will have to complain more tomorrow cause it's late and I'm tired. . . . Needless to say, my house does NOT smell like pie.