Today was a hard day. I lived it traumatically all day - did all my bad tricks. Felt overwhelmed, stupid, like I can't do this right. I felt angry and rushed and not taken seriously. (and that was just me) The worst part of it was that all day I told myself if I were a better person - I would not feel these things. That's one of my oldest and best well-worn tricks. The day never ends well when I am in that state of mind.
I feel deserted. (do I really want to go there?) I had a friend before who I used to see a lot and she has changed and takes me for granted now. (or I have changed and see it now) She doesn't return phone calls or e-mails and every once in a great while she e-mails and says "Oh my goodness I've been so busy! We must get together - I could come over for a coffee". Then I reply, with Friday's good, or whatever. Then oops, she suddenly had to go to Shanghai (or wherever) but never told me. (Thank God I hadn't made a specific date with her - in truth she never replied to my reply). Yeah, so I won't be replying to her silly insincere e-mails anymore.
Then my family didn't call me at Thanksgiving (and apparently I am keeping score). My little sister sent me a real-live card, then my other sister e-mailed but the oldest one never said anything and I feel bad about it. (evidently that is the one I've decided to focus on - smart move) Well, I feel deserted. She's a good, good person who is probably on the go 24-7. She's a very happy grandmother now. Nobody did anything wrong, (in my family - but my friend is definitely taking me for granted). I just feel alone and all that. I need new friends. (O my GOD I should NOT be listening to harp/Celtic music right now... I am a quivering bowl of self pity!!)
BUT the day got better.
Just as I was getting ready to go out (and buy lighting for the kitchen - Wheeeee!) My friend called and asked if I'd like to go to the Christmas Pantomime with her and have dinner at the Grand Hyatt (where I hear they have alcohol). The show was so hilarious. I laughed from the minute I sat down. Now I'm back home again and can't shake this mood. I'm going to the doctor Friday for a checkup and to check my hormone levels. I feel like I need a break somewhere in all this. (a break from myself).
There are a lot of things going on here but the worst of all of it is that since I was very young I have not allowed my feelings. I've always doubted and negated and all that stuff. making these things unacceptable rather than just feeling them has had a huge impact on me. and I'm feeling it now.
I feel deserted. (do I really want to go there?) I had a friend before who I used to see a lot and she has changed and takes me for granted now. (or I have changed and see it now) She doesn't return phone calls or e-mails and every once in a great while she e-mails and says "Oh my goodness I've been so busy! We must get together - I could come over for a coffee". Then I reply, with Friday's good, or whatever. Then oops, she suddenly had to go to Shanghai (or wherever) but never told me. (Thank God I hadn't made a specific date with her - in truth she never replied to my reply). Yeah, so I won't be replying to her silly insincere e-mails anymore.
Then my family didn't call me at Thanksgiving (and apparently I am keeping score). My little sister sent me a real-live card, then my other sister e-mailed but the oldest one never said anything and I feel bad about it. (evidently that is the one I've decided to focus on - smart move) Well, I feel deserted. She's a good, good person who is probably on the go 24-7. She's a very happy grandmother now. Nobody did anything wrong, (in my family - but my friend is definitely taking me for granted). I just feel alone and all that. I need new friends. (O my GOD I should NOT be listening to harp/Celtic music right now... I am a quivering bowl of self pity!!)
BUT the day got better.
Just as I was getting ready to go out (and buy lighting for the kitchen - Wheeeee!) My friend called and asked if I'd like to go to the Christmas Pantomime with her and have dinner at the Grand Hyatt (where I hear they have alcohol). The show was so hilarious. I laughed from the minute I sat down. Now I'm back home again and can't shake this mood. I'm going to the doctor Friday for a checkup and to check my hormone levels. I feel like I need a break somewhere in all this. (a break from myself).
There are a lot of things going on here but the worst of all of it is that since I was very young I have not allowed my feelings. I've always doubted and negated and all that stuff. making these things unacceptable rather than just feeling them has had a huge impact on me. and I'm feeling it now.
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