Gratitude

I'm grateful about a lot of stuff in my life but today I am grateful because I live in such a beautiful place. I took Zoe for a walk and it was nice, cool and misty outside. I'm lucky to live in such a beautiful place. Who'd ever think Hong kong has the green 'Hawaii-like' spots everywhere.

Lessons Learned

I feel a little silly that I never realized this lesson I've just learned - a real 'fact of life' but I've got it now.

I was reading the CBS news (it is set as my landing page) and I read with sadness about the 24 year old Georgia hiker who was out walking with her black lab last month and was murdered. This is heartbreaking on a lot of levels and I'm sad for her and her loved ones.

I read about it over a few days and eventually scrolled down to read the comments of other people who've read the story. I don't usually do that because in the past I've found people to be really cruel, judgemental and merciless. (Just what people need in times of disaster) I've questioned these responses from people and have vowed to just stay away from the comments section.
But this time I didn't. I scrolled down.... and there they were. The helpful and compassionate comments sprinkled among the horrible ones and the ones that blame everything on 'W' and think that all people should have guns. (and I'm not pro-guns but if I were to go out alone in the countryside in America, I'd probably want one with me - my daddy back in SC has 4...oh daddy) Anyway, yeah the comments were bad - and critical and a couple were unconscionable. I'd never commented before because I just didn't want to get into a debate with a vegetable BUT I couldn't help myself when I read one that was so bad. That is when I learned my lesson. Here is the exchange below:

Me:

Why are these kinds of creepy and vulgar comments in your forum? It''s okay to argue with each other but this is just horrible and look at the sign in name? ''TarBabyNigr'' I know that everything can''t be sensored but when this kind of garbage is in the comments section, it is hard to take any comment seriously. I have wanted to comment before but it seems these forums are so crowded with uncompassionate, angry people. (sprinkled among the very reasonable ones) Can CBS please put in a moderator and keep these pathetic people out? Please? My sincerest condolences to the family of this precious young woman.
Posted by rbccwong at 03:16 AM : Jan 08, 2008

The guy who taught me a lesson: (I assume it's a guy - sounds like a guy)

"Why are these kinds of creepy and vulgar comments in your forum? ..."rbccwong

Fellow citizen, I understand our disgust, and often even more painful, physical anxiety over comments that do not deserve to be aired. But if we did not hear them, how could we know they exist, and protect ourselves from those who would advocate them? That is the secret power of free speech, which our founding fathers realized so many hundreds of years ago. Those who are always free to speak, are always free to reveal their true innermost self. Which, in the end, benefits all. ST

"Simple answers do not exist in a world of great complexity. We must sacrifice our instinctive desire for the quick and easy to instead embrace the enduring and efficacious, or we, as a species, will not survive. "SearingTruthA Future of the Brave - www.searingtruth.com

So..... I learned a lesson that I'm surprised I never knew before and now I understand why sensorship isn't a good idea (within reason).
Lesson Learned.

Purpose

A meaningful structure that is gonna take me towards what I want. And THAT is what gives me purpose. That's what I'm thinking about right now. (and the fact that we have 2/3 of a room of limestone laid already)

Happiness Test

I just watched an Oprah show and it was great to see on this particular day. She was speaking with a professor about happiness. I heard a lot of good stuff that was really comforting to me. In my blog here, I have complained a lot but it doesn't mean I'm miserable. The professor was interesting because he said that happiness is a state of mind that's not dependent on your circumstances. I know that - but didn't really believe it (for me).
I've been aware of this weird reality about me for my entire life and that is that I've always been filled with joy. Always. There are people and situations that bring it out even more than usual but at the base of it all, there has always been joy in my life.
I wish I'd realized that sooner (though I've realized and forgotten that several times in my life).
There's also been great sadness in my life and there have been times that I was really depressed. (at 9 yrs. old, 19 yrs. old and around 34 & maybe 42) One time I even took Prozac for 6 weeks thinking I could just escape for a while but it only made me unable to make a decision - didn't really help much - and I detested the thought of my living a duplicitous life. (I'd rather be an obvious jerk than be a big fake). Yeah, so no drugs for me. (no I don't think all Prozac takers are jerks - but I didn't need it, that's all)
Now, at 47, I know myself. I know whether I'm happy or not (though I feel a lot of angst when I'm not). I know I'm like most folks in many ways and I know that the ups and downs I have in life are pretty normal. I know I'm really grateful every day for the people in my life, the beautiful home I have (almost) and the joy that I just naturally got - for free.
Every morning I wake up and pray and just say thank you for all the people I love. Then I pray for the things we all need... then I stretch my foot (cause I know it's gonna hurt when I step on it), then I get up and forget all about everything wonderful until the next morning when I wake up. Yikes. God must just shake his head when he hears me.
So... I took this happiness test - and I passed though not with flying colors. Here it is below.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
How satisfied are you? (scale) (from Oprah.com)
1 = Not at all true
4 = Moderately True
7 = Absolutely True

In most ways, my life is close to ideal. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 (no, but it's getting there - actually, I don't like the label 'Ideal')
The conditions of my life are excellent. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 (more excellent conditions than not excellent conditions)
I am satisfied with my life. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 ( I'm not living up to my potential - the other stuff is good, but that one deficit is a biggie)
So far I have gotten the important things I want in life. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 (absolutely I have gotten the most important things. Now what I want is me. (OMG! was that a Freudian slip? did I just say that I'm not important? yikes!)
If I could live my life over, I would change almost nothing. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 (would I change things? would I not go through those terrible things in my teenage years? would I realize that I am a singer at a young age and study voice and have a serious career in it? would I decide to accept myself as I am and never think about extra weight?) Well - only a geenie could grant all that. I learned a lot from those awful experiences (that made me who I am) should I not use them now to help someone else make better choices? or put it in my OWS - taking away the power it has had over me and teaching in the process. . . .)

Your total score: 23

If you scored 15 or under, you are dissatisfied with your life.
If you scored 31 or higher, you are extremely satisfied with your life.

If you scored somewhere in the middle, happiness expert Dr. Robert Holden has some advice on how to live a more satisfying life. Dr. Holden says the key to being happy is overcoming "destination addiction," which he defines as "living in the not-now." "It's always about tomorrow, so you're chasing 'more,' 'next' and 'there,'" he says. "You promise yourself that when you get there, you'll be happy. And I promise you, you won't, because you'll always set another destination to go for." OMG! does he know me? I've lived my ENTIRE life this way. Instead, Dr. Holden says if you are unhappy with your life or looking to improve your score, there are two things you can do. "We have to learn to let go of our past, we have to give up all hopes for a perfect past. I think I've done that. Let the past go, it's gone." After that, he says, "Take a vow of kindness. Be kinder to yourself and to others. Yep, that's where I go wrong. the inner critic gets me when I'm not paying attention or when I'm really tired."It's never too late to be happy," he says.

Here's a goodie - every single time I sneeze at my desk, Zoe always comes up to me and nudges me with her nose - then goes back to her bed. Awww..w..w.w.w.w.
AND the coolest thing happened to the wart on my finger (that made me think I was evolving into a witch). One day I looked at it and started fiddling with it - the black part of the center which I think is a 'seed'. Well, I noticed that the seed was protruding - then I tugged on it and OMG it was A SPLINTER that had been in my finger for 3 weeks and my poor, abused finger had become inflamed around it trying to make it come out and that swollen, inflamed little 'finger volcano' was a splinter! It has disappeared now and my finger is gorgeous again. (Thank God - that was my favorite finger).

Do we Care?

• The water fountain lighting at the main entrance will be a little different from what the sketch and run artist planned. We, reluctant project managers - don't care.


• The surround sound speakers will be in a good place but not as ideal as we'd originally thought because of the odd shape of the ceiling. We don't care.


• The carpet in our bedroom should be replaced where they've taken out a large cabinet to put in a new smaller built in one. That's too much trouble and we're not willing to move our HUGE bed out of there to replace it. We don't care and will use the closet carpet for that area.


• We have taken the tub out of Bonnie's bathroom and are replacing it cause it leaked. She's 19 now and the 'Goofy' tiles don't really suit her anymore. We were going to replace them but have recently decided that it can wait... we sensitively don't care.
• There are others. . . . . .

I think this is how we can deal with this. We feel better not treating every single thing as if it is an emergency. Amen.

(in the meantime, the fountain frogs await their new home)

Denial and friends

Today was a hard day. I lived it traumatically all day - did all my bad tricks. Felt overwhelmed, stupid, like I can't do this right. I felt angry and rushed and not taken seriously. (and that was just me) The worst part of it was that all day I told myself if I were a better person - I would not feel these things. That's one of my oldest and best well-worn tricks. The day never ends well when I am in that state of mind.
I feel deserted. (do I really want to go there?) I had a friend before who I used to see a lot and she has changed and takes me for granted now. (or I have changed and see it now) She doesn't return phone calls or e-mails and every once in a great while she e-mails and says "Oh my goodness I've been so busy! We must get together - I could come over for a coffee". Then I reply, with Friday's good, or whatever. Then oops, she suddenly had to go to Shanghai (or wherever) but never told me. (Thank God I hadn't made a specific date with her - in truth she never replied to my reply). Yeah, so I won't be replying to her silly insincere e-mails anymore.
Then my family didn't call me at Thanksgiving (and apparently I am keeping score). My little sister sent me a real-live card, then my other sister e-mailed but the oldest one never said anything and I feel bad about it. (evidently that is the one I've decided to focus on - smart move) Well, I feel deserted. She's a good, good person who is probably on the go 24-7. She's a very happy grandmother now. Nobody did anything wrong, (in my family - but my friend is definitely taking me for granted). I just feel alone and all that. I need new friends. (O my GOD I should NOT be listening to harp/Celtic music right now... I am a quivering bowl of self pity!!)
BUT the day got better.
Just as I was getting ready to go out (and buy lighting for the kitchen - Wheeeee!) My friend called and asked if I'd like to go to the Christmas Pantomime with her and have dinner at the Grand Hyatt (where I hear they have alcohol). The show was so hilarious. I laughed from the minute I sat down. Now I'm back home again and can't shake this mood. I'm going to the doctor Friday for a checkup and to check my hormone levels. I feel like I need a break somewhere in all this. (a break from myself).
There are a lot of things going on here but the worst of all of it is that since I was very young I have not allowed my feelings. I've always doubted and negated and all that stuff. making these things unacceptable rather than just feeling them has had a huge impact on me. and I'm feeling it now.

A little break from misery

I went to bed last night kinda stressed. I was worried about how it would turn out today - the workers demolishing the cabinet in our bedroom (to make space for the new smaller one). They were also taking out the antique closet-cabinet (25 years old !) at the top of the stairs that has a lifetime of family pictures in it - some in albums. And they were to take away Bonnie's bathtub to make way for the new 'non-leaking' one.

They did all that + the garage doors and a few other outdoor things. I was afraid that I would be stressed out (but no, that was yesterday when I had to clean out cabinets and drawers - still not finished). Actually, it was exciting to see those spaces freed up for new cabinetry. Cabinetry that WE helped to design. If we didn't have the entire contents of our closet enveloping (not one but) two bedrooms, I'd say let's keep the extra space in our bedroom and live without a closet. Pat and I walked through the house and enjoyed seeing what's going on (not that we don't see it EVERY SINGLE DAY) but somehow, it was better today.

I rehearsed with the group this morning and although I get all stressed about descants and getting fa la la la's correct, the fact is that I have an incredibly good time at rehearsals. Today we laughed til we almost cried. I've felt good all day because of it. (well, that and the fact that Cecilia cleaned up all the mess the workers made and I never even had to see it). We're giving her a big tip when this is over, or before Christmas whichever comes first, and today - her tip grew in leaps and bounds. Thank God for Cecilia.