Roller-Coastering

I am riding roller coasters.....
The one in my mind - the emotions and drama that I experience (because I've always done that kind of thing - I'm that way). Then there's the real roller coaster that I am on. Health wise.

The torn meniscus was not a torn meniscus. It looked like it on the MRI and the report said it was, but it wasn't. That seems like good news but it's not to me. A torn meniscus can be trimmed and fixed and not give you a lot of problems afterwards. The problem I have is osteoarthritis - which we knew that I have (me and Dr. Wu), but it's worse than we thought. It was so 'messy' inside my knee that it looked like a meniscus torn in several places. It was swelling, loose cartilage, and stuff. The boot camp spa wasn't good for my knees. (but it was excellent for my mind so I can't say that I regret going there - I don't)

Dr. Wu drilled tiny holes into the bone where the arthritis had worn away the cushioning in my knees. He drilled to the marrow (yuck) which allows blood to flow in that area which regenerates cartilage. That's good but he said the cartilage that will grow from it will not be good quality. He said it will be pourous and grainy (not smooth like what God first put in there during assembly)... but it's better than nothing - which is the amount of cartilage I have in a few areas in that left knee. I remember walking the West Canyon hike in Utah while at the spa and on the way out it hurt somewhat but at the end of the walk - truly it hurt so much I could hardly get to the end. I remember thinking to myself that it felt like my knee bones were rubbing together. I actually thought that very thought. That is exactly what was happening.
Dr. Wu, (who is a good guy), said that we can put lubricants in the knee joint which will help and he spoke of a new procedure called 'PRP' (Protein Rich Plasma) where you take your own blood, do something scientific (?) with it.... then put it in your knee area... it makes the cartilage regenerate - maybe.
The hospital was nice - went to a different one this time, a more fancy one, but when I arrived home after my one night stay, I had a staph infection on my upper thigh where they had given me a shot for pain. (I had abou 4-5 pain shots all over - it hurt a LOT after surgery). After only one day at home I had to drive to the Dr.'s office (near my home - my regular GP's) and get antibiotics. They drew a line around the red, hot part (a little bigger than the palm of my hand) and said come back the next day if it get's larger. It got a little larger so I went back and they added one more antibiotic. So... now, after simultaneously completing 2 courses of antibiotics, all that's left is a hard, slightly painful lump. Since I'm leaving in less than a week for the states - and for Jamaica (man) where I'll attend Christy's wedding, I'll be watching it to make sure it's 100% uninfected. This really scared me because staph infections can be deadly.

So.... that is the physical roller coaster.

Mentally, I have been somewhat depressed after leaving the hospital. I was blown away that at 48 (49 in July, so who am I kidding?) I have advanced osteoarthritis in my knees. I wasted not one second before yelling at myself and criticising me. I felt old, hopeless and ashamed at what I have done to myself. I've been over 200 lbs almost continuously since about 1994 or 5. That ruins your joints. For a few days I felt no compassion for me and really wondered what kind of exercise I will even be capable of in the future (I love the elliptical and hiking). I was also afraid of the staph infection.

The mental roller coaster:

*Last July - daddy died :-(
* tore my ACL and meniscus in right knee while doing a self defense class in Atlanta
* had surgery and was depressed for a week while at home afterwards
* had several epiphanys about my life and my attitudes which were handicapping me - vowed to change :-)
* developed a strong resolve to lose weight after the 1st surgery :-)
* gained more weight :-(
* brought my resolve back out of the closet, started dieting - lost 16 lbs from Feb - mid-March :-)
* Went to the boot camp spa for a month :-)
* hurt all over (of course), was hit by one affliction after another - but stayed the course
* lost another 16lbs and am a changed person :-)
* still in pain, went to doc, had MRI
* had surgery but discovered it was a worse problem than thought :-(
* developed staph infection (scared me)
* knee is now improving and have been swimming and back in gym a little. :-)
* but am worried about long term prognosis.
* I also have two painful shoulders that are keeping me awake at night - rotator cuff problems.
* Feeling kind of old but am absolutely realizing that these wasteful, negative thoughts are a bigger handicap than arthritis.

So that's it.
I look at people who live within horrible situations. Cancer, being in an accident and living with handicaps or terrible scars, long term illnesses. Losing everything in one way or another... sometimes these people dig down deep and find a resolve and the strength to stay positive, hopeful and keep going on. The whole world admires these people (some end up on Oprah, the rest just keep living their day to day lives).
Some people who are afflicted with these situations become alcoholics, prescription drug addicts, fearful of living - or worse.... whiners who bring down everyone around them and make people stay away from them.
After realizing that I cannot continue with negative thoughts, It has occured to me lately - that I can be one or the other. I will become one or the other type of person no matter what I do. In fact, right now I have to choose where I want to stay. If I want to be the one who soldiers on, I cannot continue criticising myself. I have to let me off the hook (just like I would do for my kids or for anybody else that I love a lot). I can't continue punishing myself for past sins (real or perceived) like I have always done in the past.
So.....
I will do whatever I can right now and I'll be content with it. I won't sit around feeling old and unable. I will not entertain whiney negative thoughts. I will not take this personally - the universe is NOT aginst me. I will keep on losing weight, doing Yoga, swimming, doing the elliptical and whatever I can manage. I will not stop.
So there.

Arthur Ashe, when learning that he was dying of AIDS said, If I were to say, "God, why me?" about the bad things, then I should have said, "God, why me?" about the good things that happened in my life.
What a fine human he was. I want to be a human like that.
.
.
by the way, I've lost another 6 lbs since my return home from Utah. Haven't weighed this little since 2000.
Go Becky.

Feeling good

I've been back in HK just over a week now and I'm very happy that my weight is the same since leaving Fitness Ridge. We had visitors for a week and many meals out - so that's great! They were so fun to have around. (but that's another story) Look at my picture from Saturday - my chin isn't the main point of the picture anymore..... thank God. (though it is still there)

The MRI said that I have a torn meniscus... so I need surgery. That's annoying beyond belief and even though I suspected it, it still sent me over the edge for about 2 full days. I was mad at everything but mostly mad at myself for ever being overweight in the first place - which compromised my knees. I really was furious and I could hardly even talk.... but after a day I realized that what I was doing was living an old pattern. I critisize myself to death (relentlessly), feel really bad, then crawl back into victim mode, providing a great excuse to console myself with whatever is available. (dare I name it Scarlett? Is it food?). Actually, I'm impressed that I recognized it. I am on track now and honestly, anyone could've torn a meniscus on the huge red rock I tried to step up onto (when I tore it in Utah).... so I'm booked to have the surgery in a week, on the 12th. I'll confirm it as soon as our insurance agrees to pay. At least this is more simple than last October's surgery with a torn ACL and meniscus. I anticipate a full recovery.

We have had delighful weather since I returned and that is a very pleasant surprise. It's been nice and cool - but sunny! 22-26 celcius w/ 40 - 75% humidity. (70 - 78 degrees F ? I guess).

Pat and I went to the gym last Saturday but my knee really suffered afterwards. I've done Yoga twice (not hard on my knees) and have walked twice. My knee hurts somewhat but not bad. (and who cares, they'll fix it next week).

I have been wearing my heart-rate monitor and I'm forcing myself to work harder. Walking the hill I've always walked is just the easiest thing now. I walked pretty fast tonight and was able to keep my heart rate up but in 45 min I burned only 280 cals.....
....anway, I'm not being black & white here, I'm happy to be doing what I am doing, I do have a torn meniscus afterall. But I feel encouraged that the walk is easier - so much easier for me and that when I did get out of breath, I recovered quickly. That's what it's all about. (well that and the hokey-pokey)

I have a problem I didn't anticipate. My clothes are embarrassingly too big. Even the clothes that were tight before I left are so silly looking on me now. I need to dig deeper into my closet, I know my size is there. I will also get rid of these 'too-large-clothes', as soon as I have a chance to go through my closet.

Believe it or not, I'm going to the states AGAIN at the end of this month (May 30th). My niece is getting married in Jamaica on June 6th and I will not miss that. My sister's also turning 50 on 7/4 so I'm joining her and the gang in Myrtle Beach. I'll be back in Hong Kong on July 10th and plan to stay put until Christmas. I have been looking for a gym to join for the duration of my stay there in my little hometown. I plan on asking them to work out a deal for me. I think they will, the economy is bad, right?
So... I'm on the South Beach diet, only having one cup of coffee a day, staying away from snacks and feeling good in my skin.

Bout time.

Back in Hong Kong

Bonnie and her buddy, Ramona learning to make banana pudding (which I taught how to make but did not partake)

It's nice to be back home. (can't believe I'm saying that about HK).

I've been back almost 48 hours. I landed Friday morning at 5:30am. By 1:30 I already had an appt. to see Dr. Wu about my knee that has hurt like.. a hurting knee. I did an MRI right after I saw him but don't know the results yet.. Should know by Monday, hope it's not bad but I get the feeling it's a torn meniscus. (however you spell that).

Last week at Bonnie's (Mon-Wed) we were exhausted, especially the 'me' part of we. Here's Bonnie and Motzie, her rabbit. (short for Mozzarella)During that time with all of it's running around and staying up til all hours of the night, I did manage to walk Hudson one day w/ Bonnie for an hour and a half (in 108 degree heat... no kidding) and the next day I walked 2 and a half miles while Bonnie worked with her Rugby team.

Now it's Saturday night. This morning I started the day (early) with 30 minutes of Yoga. Yoga is hard.... but so effective. Later today we had lunch with Kevin and Pat's sister & husband who are in town. I packed my gym bag just in case we had a chance to go the American Club for exercise. We found time and I worked really hard. 10 min on the bike for warmup, then 30 minutes on the eliptical with my heart rate UP most of that time. Then a few of the weight machines ending with some stretching and 50 sit-ups. It felt great to work hard again. I think I've developed a love for that hard work. My knee hurts now which is a bummer because it didn't hurt much at all before I exercised.

Really?

Am I really going to have to have surgery on this knee too? No word yet but it seems unjust that last October my right knee went under the knife and now my left knee is not doing well. Thank God I only have 2 legs, otherwise you KNOW that a 3rd one would be acting up 6 months from now.

We have 4 visitors arriving tomorrow for a week. My niece, Jenny and her new husband Aaron. + Jenny's friend (?) and my nephew, Eric. I'm very happy they're coming. :-)

Anyway, I'm exercising and eating well.... and I like it.

No tee-shirt. . . but success none-the-less

I left Fitness Ridge Sunday. I'm grateful, smarter, slimmer, prettier, happier, more hopeful, positive... and still not hungry.

I forfeited my flight from Utah to LA because Bonnie was only one and a half hours away in Las Vegas for her boyfriend, Neal's, birthday. I met her down in LV and we drove to her home together. That was a nice drive... made nicer by my i-pod's 5000+ songs being broadcast through her stereo. I dee-jayed 70's classic rock and other stuff. We had standby tickets for the Ellen show on Monday... but didn't really want to stand in line for 4 hours waiting on a seat that probably wouldn't be available... so walked Hudson, Bonnie' boyfriend's dog instead.

My last week at Fitness Ridge was challenging... but still rewarding. I hiked Monday - Wednesday but my knees really hurt a lot so I didn't hike again after that. They still hurt now but are slowly getting better. I grew weary and jaded with the food most of the last week, but it was still good enough. I think it was just time for me to move on. I did most of the classes but didn't do all of them so no tee-shirt. I feel fine about that. Actually there were people in line for their reward of a tee-shirt whom I know didn't do all the classes.... it's an honor system reward. I just can't work that way, it's got to be real or I just feel like a big liar.

I did go to Bryce Canyon on Saturday with 3 friends and will post pics later. Breathtakingly beautiful place.

I was delighted (X3) when I stepped on the scale Sunday morning to find that I'd lost another 6 lbs on the last week. That is 16 lbs total for me. I said when I went there I'd be happy with any weight loss, but 15 lbs would be awesome. 16 is way awesomer.

It's Wednesday morning and I'm returning to Hong Kong tonight around midnight. I'm happy about that - a lot - but I loved being with Little Miss Sunshine - Bonnie. We had fun. We have eaten out a good bit but it's not hard to choose healthy stuff in LA. In addition to walking the dog for an hour and a half on Monday, I also went with her to Rugby practice. While she coached and harassed the team, I walked around the track 10 times. Hmmm... that was 2 and 1/2 miles.

Only 36 hours and I can see Pat and Zoe :-) . . . . . and Kevin on the weekend. Yay.

I plan on keeping this blog and reporting my weight loss as it continues. I like being accountable.

I'll probably update this entry too later but for now.... it's ending so I can get stuff done.

I learned so many things and here are a few that are on my mind.

1. I don't need snacks. I've always eaten snacks a couple of times a day. They were healthy snacks like almonds, olives, string cheese...etc - BUT I wasn't hungry when I ate them, I was bored. Three good meals a day + a fruit or two is enough for me.

2. My body needs and wants exercise every day. I'm going to honor that. I always played around with it before. I planned it, talked about it, bought supplies. . .etc but in reality didn't exercise really hard. I have a plan now (which I will write down later)

3. Really and Truly, no kidding, I am strong and have an athlete inside of me.

4. I really can lose this weight. I can see it now.

5. I need more water than I thought. They tell you at FR to take your weight and half it. That number in oz. is the amount you should drink every day.

6. People want the best for me. I knew that but when you're overweight you think people are kind of snickering at you. Except for a few really shallow people who I wouldn't waste my time with, that's just not the case.

To be continued. . . .

BRrrrr...Rrrr.....!

We've had strange weather while I've been here in Ivins, Utah. The 1st week it was SO windy and pretty cool but weather changes quickly here. We've had warm days by the pool and times when you couldn't get your towel fast enough because the air was so cold after getting out of the heated pool.
Today... it snowed while we were hiking. Cool. I hadn't seen snow this year. It's supposed to heat up to 60 tomorrow, 70's he next day and then up to 82 on Sunday - the day I leave.

I did Stop Sign again on Monday. I worked very hard and shaved off another 5 minutes. (why always 5... never 6 or 4?) Yesterday I had a migraine, so slept through 2 classes but it went away last night - Thank God. This morning I did West Canyon again but by the return portion of the hike, my knee pain was almost unbearable. I'm used to that and hope it won't always be the case. Tomorrow I will not hike, I will ride the bike and do the eliptical. Friday I will do Stop Sign for the last time - knees willing. Saturday morning, me and my friends will go to Bryce Canyon and will leave early so we will forgo the Stop Sign hike. I'll time myself on Friday... but really, it doesn't matter if I do or don't do Stop Sign... it's still 500 X more than I was doing in HK.

I have become much more fit and am able to do things I really hadn't thought of. Last week we were doing a class on Cardio machines - I chose the Bike. Usually I don't go over level 4 but I noticed the woman beside me... same size and similar age... was doing level 12. Hmph.... By the middle of that class I was on level 12 and by the end, I was on level 15. (by golly). I'm also pushing the eliptical up to level 8. I was only doing level 1 when I got here. I'm also burning much less calories for the same class now. Stop sign - first day, I burned 1038 cals, now, even though I'm faster by 15 minutes, I burn only about 750-800 cals.... that's life. (that's also 800 more calories than I was burning while watching Oprah in Hong Kong)
Gotta prepare for 2 more full days of exercise. .. . . . . .
Good night! :-)

A very nice weekend

I had a great weekend with Miss Bonnie who came up Friday night. She was a fun little ray of sunshine. :-) She loved the food and thinks the spa is beautiful. I've been here for 3 weeks already so I'm a little tired of it but she kind of renewed me. Thanks Bonnie. (rrr)

Saturday we did the stop sign hike together. (my knees held up, my blisters are healed-ish) I shaved another 5 minutes off my time and she barely got her heart rate up. It was great fun doing that hike with her.

Saturday night we went to a movie. Sunday we went to Zion National Park.... wow! Beautiful! Breathtaking.... awesome... and windy. We went with my friends from Fitness Ridge, Mary, from Alaska and Natalie who lives in Africa. We had a ball. Natalie is pictured below w/ me and Bonnie.I lost 1 pound this past week. I thought it would be more but I'm happy with the total of 10 pounds. (every week is a new math test). I feel great. Every day this past week I walked at least 3 miles a day and exercised all day. No matter what amount of weight I lose while I'm here, the fact is I am in a much better state of mind and health than when I arrived. The numbers will come.

I am starting my last week here. My goal is to walk Stop Sign every day. I will deal with it if I can't do that because of knee problems but that is my goal. I also plan to do every class so I can leave with the prized tee-shirt. I'm eyeing the 'C' schedule and will probably do that this week. There are less people in those classes... so... we'll see.

Mine and Bonnie's feet... mine are more shiny as if I have a heavenly (angelic) aura around me - or perhaps super powers.... but it could just be the sun's reflection.

Whining: The Sequel :-)

Friday morning

Bonnie's coming this afternoon. I'm really excited about that. I'm renting a car for the weekend so we can go out if we want. She will walk the 'Stop Sign' hike with me tomorrow morning. I'm sure the hardest part of that hike for her will be getting up at 7:15 am. (I get up at 6:30... I'm cutting her some slack). I've booked a 'salt glow' massage for her at 6pm tonight after dinner.... I'm having that before I leave next week. They rub you down with mineral salts that exfoliate every bad thing you ever experienced, then you take a shower.... then they give you a massage too. Cool. You're welcome Bonnie.

I'm not hiking this morning. I have an infected blister on my toe. (ain't that elegant?) It hurt more than anything and it scared me yesterday when I realized the seriousness of it; but I've soaked it in Epsom salts several times since then and it's improved tremendously. It's my own fault that it happened and now I've learned a lesson. (another one). I have to wrap up my blisters every morning (they're all mostly healed). It takes me about half an hour to do it -

• First - get 'mole skin' (soft, chamois-like strips of bandages) and cut it the size you need. Now cut one more just like it.
• Then cut a hole in it the size of your blister and place it on the area - blister exposed.
• Get a piece of 'Nu-skin' (squishy gel like square) put it on the exposed blister area.
• Put the extra mole skin piece on top.
• Put duct tape over all - one sideways, one lengthwise (for heels - not toes, that's different).
• Now do this for each blister. I had 4.

The reason my 'big-toe' blister got infected is because I consider it such a hassle to wrap them up each day, I kept the bandages on from 7am until about 3 or 4 when we have our last aerobic class. (so I wouldn't have to wrap them up again) I would wear socks to cover the bandages when doing Yoga. That was stupid, you're supposed to let blisters breathe! I will never be lazy again.

My knees are feeling better but they really hurt when I walk and that's disappointing. I've decided that I have to accept the fact that my knees will hurt this whole 4 weeks. Since I'm at the end of my 3rd week, I think this is an accurate prediction. After I lose more weight, I believe my knees will be better. I've stuck with West Canyon Hike all week. (2 pictures below)I walk 2 hours every morning on this mostly flat or gently inclined hike - but it has really hurt this week. Bummer. But I walk anyway and just concentrate on the music. Funnily enough, after the hike, I return, ice my knees, do yoga and 40 other classes and by the end of the day my knees are almost pain free.... but on the hike - ouch.

It's funny walking around the grounds here and seeing my friends getting smaller and smaller. Usually when you go on vacation - the people you are with do not physically change - but they do here. There are all fitness levels here. 1/3 of the people are pretty fit and come here to keep themselves fit and challenge themselves on advanced hikes and classes I don't even dare to peek at. 1/3 of the people are looking to get into better shape - a tune up sort of. They may have 10 - 15 pounds to lose. Then there's my group... people who need to lose more than 50 pounds (that's a nice way to put it I think). We're the ones with the most noticable physical changes. Everyone is so supportive of each other. We're all each other's mothers and friends. It's nice. When I discovered my blister.. I had several wise people to advise me and their advise has served me well. We laugh our heads off at dinner and there's a chance that we gossip a little now and then. It's like high school in a way. I have several friends who came here the same day as I who are staying 4 weeks also, that's a blessing. Tuesday, one of them told me that I had lost so much weight and that my face was slimmer.....and younger. I was flattered (and elated almost) until I noticed she was eyeing my chocolate covered strawberries. (back off)

Every week new people come in and old people go out. It is hard to see people leave whom I've come to know and enjoy being with BUT it's fabulous when the annoying ones leave after a week. There's one woman here now who is So WHINEY. I think she doesn't realize she's at bootcamp. When I see her I just run. She's very negative and brings people down. Unfortunately she's here another week. . . . . I'm glad she doesn't live in Hong Kong (one whiner there is enough) :-)

I won't get the tee shirt this week because this morning I'm not hiking (or doing the eliptical even). I'll join the other classes today but will skip one class to get Bonnie from the airport. I will get my tee shirt that last week and on this blog will be a picture of me in it.